Four minute read
We see every day in our work at Poppy’s that there are many different ways to grieve. There’s no single right or wrong way to respond when someone close to you has died.
But sometimes these differences, when not recognised, can cause difficulties or misunderstandings between friends and family. They can also mean that some people miss out on the support that they need.
Recent team training in supporting men and boys in their grief prompted us to blog about some of the differences we see among our clients, and to share ideas, support and resources with you.
What factors affect how we grieve?
We are all individuals, each shaped by a unique combination of identity, culture and life experience. These differences affect how others perceive us, how we behave, our views on the world around us, and also how we grieve.
We know that not everyone from the same gender, religion or age will share the same attitudes, but there can be some common factors.
Whilst avoiding stereotypes, some generalisations can help us understand where different clients are coming from and how we can best support them in the process of arranging a funeral.
However, the most important thing we can do is listen and avoid making assumptions.
Gender
We’ve all heard the phrase ‘boys don’t cry’. Society’s attitudes to men and boys — seeing them as stronger, less emotional and more self-sufficient than other genders — can mean that they are not only less likely to seek support when grieving, but are also less likely to be referred for support.
Physiological factors have an influence too. The hormone testosterone, usually found in higher levels in men, inhibits crying and makes the brain less effective at moving messages between parts of the brain linked to language and emotion. Prolactin, a hormone more closely associated with women, enables them to express emotions through crying more easily.
As a result of physiological and societal factors, men and boys are less likely to express their grief in words. Instead, they are more likely to respond to the death of someone close to them with anger, or with a desire to be active — to try and take control of a situation where they might feel out of control.
Find more guidance from Child Bereavement UK.
Religion or belief
Your belief in whether there is life after death can influence your feelings when someone dies. For example, some religions teach that showing grief when someone is dying can prevent that person from moving smoothly on to the next stage of their life.
Differences in belief or tradition between family members can sometimes add to tension around planning a funeral. However, your funeral director can help you explore ways to include everyone. Read more about planning a multi-faith funeral here.
Relationship with the person who has died
Not all relationships are good all the time, which is why at Poppy’s we always refer to someone in our care by their name, rather than as your ‘loved one’ as this may not the description that fits best.
In situations of estrangement, tension or family disagreement, it is normal for grief to sit alongside other feelings of guilt, regret, anger or resentment. You can discover more about this kind of complex grief here.
Circumstances of death
When someone dies in pain or after a long illness, those involved in caring for them can often feel a sense of relief, as well as grief. These feelings, although very common, can be hard to acknowledge, and can lead to people feeling guilty despite the sorrow they feel at the person’s death.
Age
Children can process grief differently to adults. Research shows that children are more likely to move through emotions and reactions very quickly — to ‘jump in and out of grief’ — than adults. They may seem upset one minute and then okay the next or they may take a long time to share their questions or concerns.
We have lots of resources for talking with children about death. Specialist organisations like Child Bereavement UK, Winston’s Wish and Sibling Support also offer counselling, information and resources.
Other factors
Of course, there are many other factors, and intersections of different identities, which can influence how someone grieves and how they might feel when organising a funeral.
We’ve blogged about some of these before, so do check out our other blogs on neurodiversity and funeral care, dementia-friendly funerals and on grieving as a grandparent if you feel they could help you or the people around you.
Ideas and resources
Avoid assumptions
Start from the perspective that your way of grieving may be different from somebody else’s, and that’s okay. You don’t have to share someone else’s way of responding (or even like it!) in order to support each other.
For example, if one person in a family copes with grief by doing, and another finds themselves unable to make decisions, these are both normal responses to grief. You will need to accommodate each other’s needs during the process of arranging the funeral.
Your funeral director can help by giving clear deadlines, taking care of practical arrangements (or enabling you to do as much for yourself as you would like) and offering their ideas and experiences. Read more here about managing family conflict around planning a funeral.
Specialist support is out there!
There are plenty of brilliant groups and organisations out there which offer specialist or peer-led grief support. These groups can enable people with a shared characteristic, identity or experience to support each other through their grief.
For example, Strong Men, CALM and Men’s Sheds all provide services tailored to men and boys. The New Normal facilitate peer support meetings for queer people, black and brown people, or students who are grieving, as well as gender-specific groups.
Find our full list of bereavement resources here or visit the Good Grief Trust website for a map of support services.
We always signpost clients to support services. You may not need them straightaway, or at all, but knowing that support is available, however you might express or experience your grief, means that you shouldn’t have to go through it alone.
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(Image credit: Good Funeral Guide)