Four minute read
At Poppy’s, we work with many different funeral celebrants so that we can help every client find the right match for them.
In this blog, two independent celebrants Anita and Alex share their insights into the role of a funeral celebrant and talk to us some of the things they have learnt — both through their life experience and on the job itself — which they bring to the role.
1. The most important thing is to listen
At her very first funeral, Anita asked a much more experienced celebrant for advice.
“She told me — the most important thing is to listen to the families and to create the funeral that they wish to have.’
“When I started, I would listen to families and make frantic notes, then go home and spend days putting all together. Now, I say ‘let's write this together’. I’ve had to learn to really listen. You have to be non-judgemental and unshockable.
“Every funeral script I write is different, depending on the family, their culture and language and what is right for them. Some people want to be really formal. Others informal. For some, it has to be purely about the energy, with almost no words, because that’s all they can bear.”
2. The person is in the detail
Alex always begins by finding out the chronology and the main events of a person’s life, but that’s only the start for him.
“I’m seeking anecdotes and stories about how they responded in certain situations,” he says. “What made them laugh? What made them cry? What made them happy? What made them sad? How they loved. How they were loved.
“I seek out specific examples — because it's in the specifics that the detail is found and it's in the detail where that person is found.”
Alex finds that this storytelling in itself can be part of the healing process, especially where long illness, dementia or caring responsibilities have coloured the most recent memories. He says that, through talking through their life story, you can help “bring back the totality of who a person was to the people that they loved”.
3. A funeral — done well — is a healing process
“A funeral is always going to be unique, but there are certain things that funerals have in common,” says Alex. “It should be a place that’s safe for deep emotions and tears to flow, as well as a place of celebration. You go through a process and, at the end of it, you feel as if something that should have been done has been done.”
But that doesn’t mean that everything about a funeral ceremony is serious or sombre.
“I've realised, you get the sadness for free, but what has surprised me most, is how often the families also want some levity in the funeral.”
4. Practicalities, marketing and timing are a crucial part of the job
“I am on the dyslexic/dyspraxic continuum, so when I started I was very anxious about multi-tasking and coordinating everything at the funeral,” explains Anita. “It feels like second nature now, but it was hard at first.
“I had fantastic training [from Green Fuse]. It was so thorough, especially on managing the timings. When I first meet clients, I explain, part of the way I'm going to work with you to make this beautiful farewell is to help you with the timing so that you don't worry on the day.”
At Alex’s celebrancy training [from Acorn 2 Oak Celebrants], he also learnt how to create and market a business. “You can provide a wonderful service as a celebrant, but if nobody knows about it, or if you can't communicate effectively, it will just be a well-kept secret. That’s no good to anybody!”
5. You’re part of a team
Although the celebrant may be the person at the front on the day of the funeral, they are always part of a wider team.
“Being a celebrant is all about communicating and working as a team with funeral directors and arrangers,” insists Anita.
“Everyone is there to help that family go from the limbo they've been in since the death into the next stage of grieving. The more we're on the same page, the more they feel like they're being held.”
6. This work is a privilege
“The thing about a funeral, a death, is that it is a circumstance in people's lives which warrants and is worthy of your absolute, undivided attention and your best efforts every single time,” reflects Alex.
“I love the fact that the stakes are so high because that means it is something worth giving yourself to. It’s worth doing well.”
Anita agrees: “It is an amazing job and an absolute privilege to do.
“My passion is opera singing, and I see parallels between funerals and opera. They are both about catharsis, feeling grief alongside others, moving through change and letting go.”
It’s so rewarding to see families on the other side of a funeral after everything has come together.”
Discover more about how to choose a celebrant in this blog.
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