Four minute read
Katie Fyfe (pictured above with her dad) is the founder of Eldering, a service which provides guidance for the ageing parent years. Katie’s approach is positive, practical and holistic, rooted in her own personal experience and underpinned by expert advice.
She talked to us about the significance of this life stage, avoiding a crisis when caring for ageing parents, and why she hopes the word ‘eldering’ is going to catch on.
I was 20 years old when my mum died. She was so gorgeous and glamorous. She had motor neurone disease and I cared for her during her illness. After she died, we turned off the heating and kept her in the house, because she wanted to be at home. I did her makeup, which shocked a lot of people, but it was so important for me to do that. She'd had the kind of illness where we could communicate about what she wanted, so she really was the director of her own funeral.
Several years ago, I read about Poppy’s in the Evening Standard. I still have the article in a scrapbook. It was about women ‘disrupting death’ and I thought, ‘yes, finally, someone's doing something!’ Our society can be so anti-death, anti-ageing, but I don’t think that’s a healthy way to look at life or to get the most out of it. Poppy has been a massive inspiration to me.
My dad has mild Alzheimer’s, and I am now his primary carer. I moved him in next door to me in 2021. I manage his finances and look after him and keep him company. There’s so much baggage around the word ‘carer’ and this association of it being grim and horrible. And yes, parts of it are grim and challenging, but parts are beautiful and profound. We talk a lot about the past and I've learnt things that I didn’t know about my family legacy.
I couldn’t find a word for the point in life that I’m in when you start to have to do more things for your parents, such as helping them with their finances, or with their healthcare. It's a delicate relationship dynamic. ‘Reverse parenting’ seems a bit disempowering, whereas ‘eldering’ expresses that this is also a time of transition in the life of the adult child, when you start to become the elder in the family. I think ‘elder’ is a powerful and elegant word to use for older people in society.
Through the Eldering website, I'm trying to help people to be more prepared, so that they can delay, or even avoid, a crisis as their parents get older. We provide information on practical things, like Lasting Powers of Attorney or preventing falls. We also nudge people to think about their own ageing and talk about what it means to become an elder in society and how to embrace this stage of life.
Often when a parent dies, adult children suddenly need to step up because Mum can't manage on her own or Dad's not eating properly. This is particularly the case in families where one parent managed the finances and one parent managed the household. That’s where we come in. It’s a difficult and challenging stage but supporting people to be better prepared means that it can go more smoothly.
Preparing for your parent’s old age is less about hoping for the best and more about planning for the challenges that often come with it. It’s a bit like taking out travel insurance — hopefully you never have to use it, but you wouldn't go away on holiday without it. Or it’s like the way you might go to an NCT class before you have a baby, in order to be prepared for what’s to come.
We filter information to make it easier for people to find what they need to know quickly. Time is pressurised, especially if you're trying to work or have children as well. If you can get ahead on the practical stuff, then you can focus on enjoying the time you have with your parents.
We have an expert panel to make sure that we are sharing the best information. It includes a GP, a care home manager, a professional organiser and de-clutterer, a geriatrician, and a clinical exercise physiologist. They all have specialised experience and expertise which relate to this stage of life.
I think the biggest issue with death and funeral planning is that people don’t know how to talk about it with their parents. They are scared of getting a defensive reply, of upsetting their parents or just find it awkward. There’s also a reluctance among some adult children to come to terms with the fact that their parents are going to get old and die one day. And then on the other side, there are some parents who are in denial about their own mortality. I'd love to be able to give people the language they need and to normalise these conversations.
The fact that my mum died when I was 20 has had a huge influence on how I approach things now. It’s like I’ve had a head start. Before I even thought about it, I was doing eldering and supporting people through this stage of life. Now I'm 46 and lots of my friends are losing their parents or dealing with ‘eldering’ issues. I've become the person who helps them through it.
Find advice and guidance for this life stage on the Eldering website.
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