Four minute read
When Sarah’s husband, Nick, was diagnosed with cancer, they knew he had, at most, a couple of years to live.
Talking about and planning his funeral wasn’t easy. However, looking back, Sarah is pleased that they could discuss what he wanted to happen, as well as what she and their children needed from the funeral.
“Nick and I were together for 32 years — married for 27. He was a very independent-minded person, with strong beliefs and ethical views,” says Sarah.
“He wasn't a big social animal — he’d much rather be reading a book or listening to music — he loved all kinds of music, a real eclectic mix — or watching films. He always tried to persuade the kids to watch his favourite films with him, which could be a problem as most of them were in black and white!
“His family were everything to him. He was so proud of the kids. We were fortunate that his last job went completely remote, way before COVID, so he was around a lot.”
'Choose your timing'
Nick’s deep commitment and love for his family informed his approach to his cancer diagnosis. He immediately wanted to know his prognosis and opted to take “the strongest treatment they could throw at him”, with the hope he could see his daughter Alice graduate, and his son Tom start university. He lived to see both of these milestones.
However, Nick was very ill and chemo was exhausting, despite a few months of reasonable stability when the family could even go on holiday together.
Sarah can’t quite remember when they first started talking about funerals. “We did manage those two years by having a dark sense of humour. We might have joked about it, but we didn't really talk about it. But I know I thought about it a lot.
“I knew he would have firm views, and that they might not be what I would expect. I wanted to talk to him about it, but at the right time.
"I think that's really important that you choose the timing. Regardless of how practical and organised and part of things someone wants to be, you've got to gauge the moment. It’s okay to back off if it all gets too much.”
A series of conversations
There was never one big sit-down conversation about funeral arrangements. A series of small, evolving conversations worked better for Sarah and Nick. There were also times where one of them was ready to talk, but it wasn’t right for the other.
“Even if you have one conversation and the person's been quite open and happy to talk, the next time they might not be,” explains Sarah. “For example, because he loved poetry, I asked Nick if there was a poem he’d want read at the funeral. He said he’d have a look, but didn’t choose anything. That was too much for him.
“Then he announced that he'd been looking at celebrants. That was what really opened the door. He went to meet [humanist celebrant] Jill Harris — he really liked her and suggested I should meet her too.
“But at the time, I wasn't in a space to talk about it. It felt too big. So we parked it. In the end, I didn’t meet Jill until after Nick died, but it counted for a lot to know that she had met him, she knew him. I haven’t been to many funerals, but I know that’s unusual.”
'There may be things you can’t promise'
As Nick’s illness worsened, Sarah and Nick started to talk more.
“I remember sitting in the kitchen and he said, ‘I don't want a funeral, I just want a direct cremation’,” says Sarah.
“I wasn’t surprised, but I asked him: ‘How do you think the children would feel about that? I can't promise that, because they will need to say goodbye in a way that's right for them’. Then we had a really good conversation. I was strong about what I felt, and by talking about it, he could understand that too. It was better than just finding out what he wanted by seeing it written in his will.”
Sarah has some very practical advice, stemming from her experience: “I think you have to be mindful of the topics that you put up for discussion. If you know that person's wishes may be impractical or unrealistic, there may be stuff you can’t promise.
'I ran everything by the kids'
“When organising the funeral, I was careful to run everything by the kids, absolutely everything. I didn't want anything to surprise them on the day. Everyone asks them. ‘How's your mum?’ The loss is great for me, but it’s far more deep-seated for them in the long term. They've got a lot of years ahead of missing their dad.”
“After Nick died, I received so much love and so many beautiful cards with lovely things said about him. I missed him. I thought I'd love to spend some time with him and update him on what he's been missing. But I was with him for quite a long time right after he'd died, and I wanted that to be my memory. I didn't want to see him again.”
As Sarah didn’t want to see Nick, we arranged for her to visit him at Poppy’s with his willow coffin closed.
“It was such a beautiful, calm environment,” she remembers. “Such a peaceful place. He was clearly so well looked after. It was lovely to sit with him. I think there's a lot to be gained by just being with someone — you don't have to see them.”
'I think we did him proud'
So, what would Nick have thought of it all — the funeral he helped to plan?
“I think he would have been really pleased and proud,” reflects Sarah. “I think we did him proud. I think he would have been chuckling away at some of it, as well as slightly overwhelmed by the huge amount of people that were there.
In some ways, it was the perfect thing for Nick — all about him but he didn't have to take part! Actually, I think he would have loved being there.”
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Read more experiences from Poppy's clients. Find out how Jenny planned a funeral for a friend, or how Meg included young children in her father's funeral.