Five minute read
Amber Jeffrey started the Grief Gang podcast after her mum died. Through podcasting she met her best friend, Poppy Chancellor, founder of the Grief Case.
When her friend Poppy died of cancer, with help from the team at Poppy’s, Amber supported her family during her final days and in arranging her funeral. Amber shares how this experience changed her life.
Amber and Poppy first met at a Grief Case meet-up in 2020. “I bowled in two hours late, right in the middle of someone speaking,” remembers Amber. “I was so embarrassed. After everyone spoke, Poppy asked me if I wanted to. It felt like the most cathartic experience I'd had. I felt really safe."
‘I feel like we lived a lifetime together’
During lockdown, the two women started working together on grief-related projects, and their friendship developed from there.
Amber continues: “We soon realised we'd found something special. The thing I loved, and still love, about Poppy was her encouragement to play. We did things, like doing a skydive, that I would have never done with any other friend.
“Those of us who really knew her, knew that she was deeply anxious and shy. But she would say, ‘Okay, I'll give it a go’. She was open to life and always curious. We had about four years of amazing friendship — but I feel like we lived a lifetime together.”
‘She never had to put on a mask with me’
Poppy was diagnosed with cancer in her mid-30s.
“Poppy liked routine and structure — having a cancer diagnosis completely threw that out of the window,” explains Amber.
“In those short months, she stepped up. Even when she was scared of the biopsies or the radiotherapy, she went through with it. She would call me and cry and cry — she didn’t have to explain, because we’d already done the grief work together. She knew she would never have to put on a mask with me.
“If people say, ‘Oh, she lost her battle’, no, Poppy is a winner — she did it all her way. In the face of a diagnosis like hers, you have some autonomy in how you want to live out your last few months. I'm unbelievably proud of her.”
While she was ill, Poppy shared details of funeral directors, including Poppy’s, with Amber, and directions about what she wanted to happen at the end of her life.
“Looking back, I am so glad that she did,” says Amber. “Those conversations were uncomfortable, but that was only a temporary feeling. It was the right thing to do.”
‘One of the greatest honours of my life’
“The night before Poppy died, I was in the hospital chapel with her mum. She looked at me and said, ‘Amber, what do we do next?’
"I’d been thinking — this is where I where I come in, if she wants me to. It was one of the greatest honours of my life, and I know Poppy would have done the same for me.
“When I woke up the next morning, I realised that my friend was going to die today. I phoned Poppy’s and they were amazing. We were on and off the phone all day.
“Poppy really didn’t want to go into the hospital morgue. I felt it was my mission to get her out of hospital quickly after she died. It was a Friday afternoon by then, and there was paperwork to do before she could be released. Poppy’s moved through these barriers for us. It felt seamless.
“When the Poppy’s team arrived at the hospital to collect her, I was with her, along with a friend of Poppy’s mum. It was something we could do, not just for Poppy herself, but for her family too.”
‘I knew she’d be taken care of’
The team were so gentle with her and so thoughtful. They were loving, caring and attentive and showed her such deep respect. It was a sacred moment for me to be able to accompany them on her last journey through the hospital to the Poppy’s van. I knew she’d be taken care of.”
Poppy had wanted a space where friends and family could come and be with her body after she died. The Poppy’s team agreed with Amber and the family to bring Poppy to a friend’s house for a vigil after the weekend.
“We had gold glitter banners draped across the windows. We had roses and a photo of her above her head. People came in and out to cry, to speak to her, to be with her. We blessed her on her travels.
“We had Caribbean food and a fire pit in the back garden. Poppy was really akin to Caribbean culture, born and raised in West London. She loved Notting Hill Carnival.”
‘We all need community’
The funeral itself involved a procession with a horse and carriage through West London, speeches, music, hand-crafted banners, messages left by the wicker coffin, poetry, a great sense of style (“Most of the women were sporting a red lip,” says Amber. “Poppy was the icon of a red lip!”), and a late-night party.
“I think, for everyone involved, the whole experience changed what we thought the time after a death could look like,” reflects Amber.
Amber has kept in touch with Poppy’s other friends since her death. “That’s one of the amazing gifts that Poppy left us,” she says. “I don't feel that loneliness in mourning for her, like I did after my mum died, because I have this group. It is the most beautiful display of community I’ve ever seen. We all need community, it’s what gets us through.”
‘Dare to explore’
“To anyone else in this situation, I would say, speak with your funeral directors and ask, ‘what are my options here?’ Chat to them about your person, so that they really get to know them through you.
“Dare to explore and to do it your way. Even if it goes against the status quo. Knowing that Poppy was in good hands with the Poppy’s team, meant we did not have to worry, it gave us the capacity to think big and to give our full attention to honouring her life.”
Read more stories from people we've supported, hear from Georgina about why she chose Poppy's for her child's funeral and Monica about how she and her sister dressed their brother for his funeral.
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